An Age of Entitlement

By Xena

Some recent studies have shown that contrary to popular belief, most bullies don’t become that way because they suffered abuse.  Some are compensating for a serious sense of insecurity and others are the product of a generation of parents raising children with a very strong sense of entitlement.   “I am owed” “If they can’t keep up, too bad, they are off the team, I’m entitled to the best.” Does this sound familiar American Idol watchers?  I would be tempted to send home those contestants responsible for rejecting one of their group, just for that.  At least one did make his mea culpas.

It’s ballet class and one child insists on being front and centre the whole time – prima donnas start training early.  Stage mom insists her daughter is a superior dancer to the others so deserves a special spot, but it’s the teacher’s decision to make and she has other criteria to consider.

I recommend a couple of books.  The classic and iconic “Lord of the Flies” a boys’ adult-free society and “Queen Bees and Wannabees”, a girls’ world and where you will read about the dynamics of groups of girls in middle school.  Child bullies turn into adolescent bullies and onto adulthood.  Because they never learn any other strategies to be persuasive or to lead, some are left with one or two tactics, the dangerous passive-aggressive approach or outright aggressive bullying.  I prefer the bully I can see to the one who’s smiling in my face while issuing lies about me.

Fan Entitlement

Back in January, an Adam Fan group to which I belong, had a very interesting discussion about the private lives of celebrities and should there be a line we should not cross.  I argued that public figures should be allowed private time and private space while others said they should not. A provocative, thoughtful and interesting discussion.  We didn’t reach a conclusion, but I promised to write about it, which I began but the issue got bigger for me. 

Recently I consulted with another group, here on the Salon about this issue of privacy rights for public figures.  I know a lot of people followed that discussion and I did not reach a conclusion but here is what I learned from the two discussions and other remarks on Twitter.

People said:

“They wanted to be a celebrity with that lifestyle, so they have to take it”

“They are in the public eye and should expect that there might be a photographer hidden in the hedges everywhere they go.”

“They knew what they were getting into from the start”

I heard:

“Look, I spent $500 on them this year so I should get to follow them around by proxy, 24/7, 365 days a year.  They owe me.”

“Because their career will flourish or die based partly on media attention, they have to accept all of it, good, bad, invasive and provoked.” Some did excuse “provoked” but how do you know that when videos and photos are often posted without that context?

“Better keep smiling, make sure you never leave the house without your make-up and dressed appropriately – even if you are walking your dog.  You could use a cap and sunglasses, they will still know it’s you but at least they won’t see your roots are showing or that you have craters under your eyes without make-up.”

“If you want to be a singer or actor or a public figure in any way but don’t want to be watched 24/7, don’t even think about that career.”

The “everybody’s doing it” justification:

“The photos are already out there, you might as well post them.”

The “too late to change it”:

“It’s too late to do anything about this even if we wanted to.”

Do parents accept these excuses from their children?  Afraid so.  Can we not aspire to better behaviour?

How about this?

“You put your opinions out there and if someone disagrees with you, (distorts what you said and hurls personal insults at you), you have to take it.”

Tweets

Truly the Wild West, shoot ‘em up of drive-by insults.  “All I did was retweet it, I didn’t write it”.

Bully psychology

The worst cases have been the recent spate of “hate spam” by Bieber fans on Grammy winner Esperanza Spalding and most embarrassing for Adam, his fans directed their nasty remarks at his bass player and close friend.  Hard to imagine that isn’t it?  These incidents stuck in my head – fans believing they are allowed  not simply to comment on the private and personal relationships of a celebrity,  which is bad enough, but involve themselves directly!   I think this is perhaps the ultimate act of entitlement and has crossed a major line – can anyone argue with this?

Outcomes

I know some very fine people who would not run for office because they didn’t want their families to suffer from the invasive public scrutiny, even if there were no skeletons to hide.  A long time ago, I tried to help console the daughter of a prominent politician.  Her mother is a brilliant and accomplished woman in her own right and an unflattering article about her was published in a national newsmagazine.  The young daughter who was old enough to read the piece and understand it, was devastated, but I am happy to report that all these years later, that girl has turned out perfectly – a testament to good parenting.  They could not protect their daughter from the information but they handled it discreetly and effectively.

How does Tommy face an audience in the future, knowing some of them may have sent threatening tweets to him?  Might they show up at the stage door?

Because fans love to see Adam in any situation, anywhere, anytime, any occasion, we see photos of him with people – at a bar, a party, shopping, through windows, through a hedge, in a video trying to get away from paparazzi hurling insults at him.  Of course fans and gossip writers can’t live by pictures alone, but must identify everyone else and then speculate on their relationship and spark rumours.  It’s not just about Adam anymore but anyone in his vicinity caught in the lens.  Imagine smiling for a snapshot with someone, a friend or stranger, knowing it will be on the net as soon as it can be tweeted.  I know Adam doesn’t, but I need some photo-shop before my sorry face appears in public.

Adam seems to handle all this with great aplomb – so far.  But he did reveal a line in the sand with these tweets :

It’s come to my attention fans are givin’ Tommy shit. Why?? He’s my friend! 3:44 PM Feb 21st

Onstage kissing antics were ‘for your entertainment’ nothing more. 3:53 PM Feb 21st

And “fans” please refrain from judging my personal life negatively. A few of u #needtogetoneofyourown 3:56 PM Feb 21s

Remember it’s MY life and I thank you for tuning in. 🙂 3:58 PM Feb 21st

Can we respect and honour Adam’s requests and explanations?  I hope so.

Adam and many other celebrities give us lots of their time and attention, do we really need to know their whereabouts 24/7, 365 days of the year?   Just saw a photo posed with a fan in the Denver Whole Foods store and another at the airport, how generous is that?

In my teens, I worked at the Toronto airport and that included the Summer of Love 1969. We had recognizable celebrities of all types come into the coffee shop where I served as a waitress and we made a rule about approaching celebrities for autographs.  If they came in larger than life and sat in the middle where they could be seen by many people, we could ask for their autograph but if they chose a seat in a corner and they had on sunglasses, perhaps a scarf or cap on, we left them alone.  It was obvious they sought privacy and we didn’t cross that line, we respected it.  Of course none of us had a camera in our pocket.

On the other hand……

There are celebrities with a sense of entitlement too.

Charlie Sheen

John Galliano

Let’s talk about this on Wednesday night’s radio show.