How does he do it? – Dr. Warrior Explains

by Xena – co-author of On the Meaning of Adam Lambert

“I’m still trying to figure out how he does it. What is it about Adam Lambert anyways???” – Glorious Beth

GLORIA, GLORIOUS, GBA – You have been here since day 1, you have read every word (now I’m wondering), you have written plenty yourself, you have seen every photo, you have watched Adam perform live twice, you watch him on a six-foot television with theatre sound that makes the furniture vibrate and the windows rattle, you eat, speak, dream and live Adam 24/7 and you can’t answer that question yet????? How does he do it?

Are you trying to kill me Gloria? Xena’s going to have more death scenes than Vivien Leigh’s Juliet to Olivier’s Romeo in a multi-year run at the Globe Theatre.

Over 600 pages, almost 10,000 comments, millions of words, hundreds of photos, videos, radio, interviews, tweets and whatever other communications media are available – you have seen, heard or read. Could you at least be a bit more specific than asking the same question that was asked on June 3rd?

But- I am here to help. You have lost your mind and now we have to find it, through Dr. Xena P. Warrior PhD’s – Mind Recovery Programme.

I would like a show of hands and be honest – I have seen this question asked by others recently and remained silent, but GBA, you put me over the top! How many of you posted this question within the last two months – unless you’re newer than that. O.k., we have a few of you that need to go through Dr. Xena’s Adamizing recovery process.

You might have to start all over again at page one, June 3rd and then pass an exam at the end. But we’ll try this first.

Having spent 12 years on the couch in therapy, I earned a PhD in psychology, so lie down while Dr. Xena asks you a few questions. On the couch – all questions are open-ended, no multiple choice.

First there is an important question for each of you to ponder. Have you been in some kind of “walking and talking” coma since you first noticed Adam? He is powerful, but I don’t think he wants you to instantly forget everything you see, hear, feel, touch and read about him.

This set of questions is for all of you, but those who actually met Adam (boo X 29), will have supplementary questions. 

   1. When did you first see Adam and how did he make you feel?

   2. What did you see him do that made you feel that way? Is that all? there must be more, continue.

   3. What did you hear that affected you and how were you affected? …..Are you sure that’s all? ….Describe specifically what his voice sounded like, as if I have never heard him sing before. …..See, that wasn’t so hard.

4. When he spoke, how did you feel? why?

5. What kind of childhood did you have?

6. Why do you hate your mother?….. You don’t hate your mother?….. Then why are you here? ……You are confused.

7. During American Idol, as Adam listened to the judges, did you pay attention? ….how did he react to criticism, to praise? ……did you like the way he conducted himself?…… what did you like about it?….. When you were shown the videos of him speaking to the camera, were you impressed by him?….. Why, was it physical or intellectual?

8. Let’s talk about his interaction with his colleagues – watching this, would you want to have him for a friend?

9. When Ryan Seacrest described Kris as the “boy next door” and Adam the “guyliner” – how did you react?….. When you decided that Seacrest had to die, did you have a particular method in mind?…… Then why is he still alive?

10. Were you really watching and listening while Adam performed Ring of Fire? Or were you flipping through Martha Stewart, checking out the early Halloween checklist for your party nine months away?….. Maybe you’re one of those channel-bunnies who never stays on the same channel for more than 20 seconds. …. I don’t believe that your husband never lets you have the remote control.

11. If you watched – what did you notice about his performance?……. The sensual musical arrangement, the enraptured look on his face as he sang, his smudged-from-the-party-the-night-before eyes – in  contact with the camera, making you feel as though you are the only person in the world, the slow motion and sinuous ripples through his body so you could see how sexy you make him feel, while his feet were still, the little glimpse of abdomen, the now- named Sneaky doing its best to fool the censors, this being his first appearance in public, hair loosely swinging over his eyes in a peek-a-boo fashion, moistening his lips with his tongue – jeans so tight they burst the cover to reveal an exposed zipper! – no one can recall anyone, ever, performing like that and the judges did not even have the vocabulary to describe it.

So, please explain why you don’t recall what he did to cause your heart to bleed, cause you to fling your body to the floor and beg for mercy, after that performance.

12. Let’s consider for a moment or maybe longer – make sure you have your eyes closed for this one. It’s Whole Lotta Love and exactly what did you find so inspiring as to be heat-inducing, heart-pounding, lubricating, breast tingling, mouth drying, eyeball bulging, fist-pounding, levitating, swooning, fainting and orgasmic? In other words, a one man hormone overdose. Take one and call me in the morning, after you’re done.

 You don’t recall sliding off the sofa at the end of Whole Lotta Love, clutching the dog until it squealed, the family calling 911, the sirens as the paramedics arrived to revive you with oxygen, you refusing to go with them because Adam wasn’t finished yet, he just sang “Every inch of my love!!” and he sang it to you!—— there would be another shot of him near the end of the show – maybe they could just wait while you watched until the very last nano-second of Adam face time, but you’re still hyperventilating? They turned and said “good luck” to your family, “we can’t wait for her, we’re run ragged answering all the emergency calls to revive women – must be some kind of virus going around. It happens every week”. Yeah, it’s a virus all right and there’s no antidote and no cure. Adam sings “Womaaaaan, You-u-u Neeeed looove” and you’re down for the count.

13. Was he really “Feeling Good” as he swaggered down that magnificent fit-for-royalty staircase, or faking it? Did you feel good? How about those ‘glory’ notes at the  end, did they vibrate your auditory nerves while filling your eyes with beauty, swelling your chest as you filled with the overwhelming and perfect resonance of his voice, like a golden nightingale, vibrations connecting to your heart? Don’t know about you, but I can feel it, just sitting here in silence and writing to you.  

 If you are still confused and can’t answer these questions, you must enroll in Dr. Warrior’s 10-Step Programme. You will go back to the beginning and make notes answering the ‘when, where, what, why and how” questions as you review each Adam event you watch, listen to or read. Probably the reason I can remember and describe everything is because I have written it all before, so let’s try that – write in your own words.

Here are the Ten Steps.

1. Start by watching every single one of Adam’s AI performances with the judges’ comments – begin with the audition tape where he comes out and hugs his mom and dances down the street with so much joy, you just want him to win right there! Oops, I’m giving away the answers.

2. Watch or listen to every pre-Idol song of Adam’s that’s been recorded, starting with Brigadoon 

   3. Watch every interview he has recorded beginning with the “Idolatry” series

  4. Read all the print interviews

  5. From the very first concert performance, watch them all

  6. Do not miss the Good Morning America fresh air, acoustic performance of Starlight 

  7. In between, watch all the tribute videos from YouTube where different aspects of his performances are emphasized. Start with baby Paisley kissing Adam on the iPhone

  8. Read Gloria’s entire Adam’s Gems list – read what he said and what other women  said about him – should be some good clues in there. Now available at Adam Quoted Daily\’s Blog

  9. Read accounts of real-life Adam encounters by Glambertinas – you only need one of Cleo’s

10. After you have completed steps 1-9, you may view the Details photos and watch the videos of the photo shoot.

After you have completed all this, should you again ask “How does he do this?” I will be forced to re-post the first couple of pieces where I analyze Adam, his performances, his personality, etc. and answer the question.

More than that, I can’t help you. Or, have you sucked me in with a rhetorical question? If so, my logical brain cannot compute this and I am required to respond to questions, so forgive me and enjoy a laugh on my incapacity to see a joke or rhetoric – I must be part Vulcan.

Good Luck with figuring out how Adam does what he does to you and what it is about him.

Xena P. Warrior PhD MoALS

Xena is a writer, policy analyst and commentator who has an opinion on everything, and co-author with “Juneau” of the book, On the Meaning of Adam Lambert – order at www.adamlambertbook.com or on Amazon.com

Or at Amazon.com http://tiny.cc/lHUIe