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Rock Icon Finishing School (RIFS) – Health II – Oral Hygiene

November 13, 2010

Excerpted from our book On the Meaning of Adam Lambert

Previous posts: Intro, Architecture, Art History, Astronomy, Biology, Calculus, Chemistry, French poetry, Geometry, The Art of Food Selection & Preparation, Food and Physique – Advanced, Geology

Health II – Oral Hygiene (Prof. Glorious Beth).  In this course, the mouth receives the respect and affection that is its due. We will appreciate the paradox of the lips, sculpted like marble yet yieldingly soft as a breast. We will master the delicate art of parting those lips with fingers, gently and firmly, coaxing them wider apart until we have an unobstructed view of those admirable incisors, cuspids, bi- and otherwise, and molars, forming strong arches to frame that acrobatic muscle, the tongue. We will learn the importance of the salivary glands, conduct a vocal cord health check, test for control of the gag reflex, and learn the correct technique for palpating the Adam’s apple. Extra credit for evening seminars devoted to candlelit bouts of oral poetry, including “I crave your mouth, your voice, your hair” (Pablo Neruda), “My mouth hovers across your breasts in the short grey winter afternoon in this bed we are delicate and touch so hot with joy we amaze ourselves to…” (Adrienne Rich), and “I have a fire for you in my mouth, but I have a hundred seals on my tongue” (Rumi).

Dr. Glorious Beth A., AKA the blonde bombshell, brings 25 years of experience in the field of oral health and dentistry to her professorship.  Due to her extraordinary skills, compassion and success she has been able to limit her practice to the treatment of young adults with perfect smiles who were raised by dental hygienists and/or dentists. Occasional rants with the Universe have brought forth happiness, a world class Rock Star/Sex God and a supportive sistergood. Her love of Calculus and especially “no limits” have earned her associate status in the Calculus course taught in conjunction with Prof. Christine Lambert. This pairing assures very powerful three-ways with an appropriate student. Sexy is sexy and so is Math!! She volunteers her time in the area of crisis and grief counseling and is well versed in helping to navigate the pitfalls of sudden fame and wealth. Glorious Beth holds no grudges even when accused of being an imposter or of not sharing the Rock God.

Next: Hebrew, the Language of Love

4 Comments leave one →
  1. November 13, 2010 8:06 pm

    this was so hilarious to read.. and yet definitely apropos.. I giggle at the visuals that run across my mind.

  2. November 13, 2010 11:47 pm

    Wouldn’t it be great if someone could organize a huge welcoming committee for Adam and his troupe when he returns from Europe? There must be plenty of people who have traveled across our country and overseas to see Glam Nation tour who would be willing to go the extra mile to embrace him home. In my perfect world, there would be photographers and signs…things like Welcome Home..or We Missed You and hopefully it would translate to the news media. Just saying….he deserves that. If I could afford the trip I certainly would love to be at the airport showing him some love and support and how happy we are that he’s safely home on US soil. I think you guys get the picture. Publicity. From what I can gather from established news and t.v. programs and papers hardly anything was reported about Adam’s successful tour. Makes you wonder who is supposed to be doing his publicity. There are many writers and blogs on the internet who support Adam and do all they can to keep him in the news, including this site. But I feel little was done in the established news programs and thus, big, ginormous welcome wagon. What do you think?

    • magsmagenta permalink
      November 14, 2010 6:16 am

      We have a similar problem here in the UK, but without the advantage of his having had the exposure he had on US TV with AI. There has been no coverage at all since his visit earlier in the year, and that was sparse and ill managed at best, much of it making him look a bit foolish.
      Yet his 4 shows sold out in 24 hours despite this, so there must be fans around somewhere, and not just those few of us who are so obsessive as to search his name everyday and take part in fan groups.
      It makes me think the mainstream media is massively out of touch with the general public they are supposed to serve.

  3. magsmagenta permalink
    November 14, 2010 6:23 am

    Very evocative 😛 You forgot to mention the joys of squeezing healthful peaches untill the juice runs down the throat, thus providing essential vitamins needed for oral integrity.

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