21st Century Toy
by Juneau, co-author of the book On the Meaning of Adam Lambert
This past week of Glam Caravanning has been the longest the Princess Warrior and I have ever spent in each other’s company. Apart from brief get-togethers in New York City and Foxwoods, the two of us largely hatch our schemes by phone and email.
We do enough damage as it is, and now it’s clear that getting together for almost a whole week generates enough fusion energy to propel us to Planet Ridiculous. Our readers who have come along for the mad ride have suggested that Adam’s people should be breaking down our door for advice and marketing genius. Barricading that door with retired mic stands would be more like it.
Take this latest mutant to hatch full-fledged out of Juneau & Xena’s Vulcan mindmeld. Xena was complaining that she couldn’t get Adam’s new encore song “20th Century Boy” out of her head, especially because it is the soundtrack to the TongueDiving we witnessed in Providence (was there ever a more aptly named city?) – an image forever branded into our retinas. Juneau thought Adam’s song choice charmingly retro – “so 20th century” – and blurted something about Adam as a 21st century toy.
Instantly, images welled up from our subconscious – a new doll, the androgynous love child of Barbie and G.I. Joe, equipped with a stupendous wardrobe: every outfit from Glam Nation, American Idol, red-carpet event and pap sighting. An entire doll-sized walk-in closet overflowing with jewelry. Another just for the boots. A lavender trunk brimming with make-up, hair product, body glitter and rhinestones. A custom Jaguar coupe in midnight blue. A companion doll – Brad, Xena’s servant on loan to curate the jewelry collection, keep house and cook, with his own glam wardrobe. (The purple harem pants! The spandex shorts! The ostrich feather duster!)*
Hours of fun for girls and boys of all ages, changing up Adam-doll’s makeup, hair and outfits. How about an iPod plug-in version that vibrates to the music? The mind reels. Mattel, are you paying attention?!!
Then again, as seems to be the inevitable end-stage fate of all Barbies, Kens and G.I. Joes past, our 21st Century Toy may simply decide to cast off all that materialistic excess in favor of going back to a state of Nature: