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Can Adam turn caterpillers into butterflies?

April 13, 2010

Can Adam do it?

By Xena

Can Adam turn caterpillars into butterflies?

Should he be as the tough, hypnotic Svengali to the eager Trilby – producing a perfect songstress but at what cost?

If Adam asked our advice, we recommend he say “People! If you are going to show up, play the game to win every time and pay attention.” As a modern day, tough taskmaster with such raw clay to mold, he will need every trick and treat he as up his shiny sleeves.

Adam, we’ll just whisper a few suggestions in your ear.  As students of the ultimate Adam Lambert Experience, we have watched every move from the bold to the nuanced and everything between.  We have analyzed, meditated and written about your performances and how you are a benevolent Svengali to your fans, releasing our inner Idol.  As two faithful students who have written enough about you to earn us each a PhD, we are qualified to do the job.

We will act as Cyrano, transmitting our words to Christian, a little role reversal, the straight Cyrano to a gay Christian.  Who plays Roxanne?  The Idol contestants of course!

Here goes:

Pre-Show Prep

People, before you even think about stepping on the Idol stage, you must prepare yourself. Touch up your hair and have a facial, a mani-pedi with a good quality nail polish; I am using two tones right now, but unless you’ve got a pro – keep it simple.  No, not black – passé already.  Guys – a little scratched and worn on the edges so it looks like you’ve been doing more than just holding that long, round thing with the knob on top – the mic, and stroking your shaft, the one I play like a Stradivarius – the mic stand.

Where’s the cutie with the long blonde hair? Yeah, you – ever thought of cutting your hair?  Long hair on boys – not my thing.  The girls like it? So, what about dying it black? Yes the brows, no we’ll leave the carpet alone.  So don’t listen to me – I’m just sharing my best strategies and tactics with you.  Xena made me read Sun Tzu’s “The Art of War” and practice Alexander the Great’s soldier training programme with some of her foot soldiers.  Whew – did he ever know his way around the flanks of a phalanx!

A Little Mic Advice

We will be practicing those dance sequences on stage later, when I show  you how to move your butts to get optimum satisfaction.  What’s that Siobhan?  The girls, oh it’s so much easier for you – don’t even need to worry about the stand – just grab that fat piece from its holding place, raise it to your lips, tilt your head back and wail! No baby, that’s screaming, like Gokey on stage at “Boys’r Us” when he sees the chorus boys backing him, up.  We are not even in the wings yet – let’s get back to prep.

Style it Right or Go Home!

Diving to the back of the closet to shake something out doesn’t do it anymore. Have you looked at my magazine spreads? I’ve changed the rules and if you’re not dressed for the game, you’ll get benched, sent to Ryan Seacrest’s area backstage to be his water boy or could be water girl.

If you don’t have anything to wear, here are my favorite stores in L.A. , I printed out a list from Juneau’s post on the Salon – oh never mind, I’ll just bring a rack from one of my closets.  I’ve got everything from black to white, but you won’t find any Ed Hardy – I know Xena loves that colourful stuff, but for me? Nope. Boots? Sorry, I am generous with many possessions, but none of you is going to touch my snake, that python that gave up its life for my feet. I feel quite attached to the fat thing now.

Hey girls – check out the female artists out there who are selling singles and CDs, selling tickets and numero uno of course – my great friend and fellow “most fascinating person” to Barbara Walters – the Lady Gaga.  She should be promoted to a Countess or Duchess by now, she is almost as rich as the Queen.  But her closet is bigger and her wardrobe costs way more than anyone can afford, so how do you pull-off the Gaga look on your meagre clothing allowance?  It’s barely enough for a couple of studded cuffs and maybe one pair of Dior jeans.

Try this, put on a bikini, then some ripped shirts tied like bandages, killer stripper heels – what?  Just put the shoes on and wear them all the time for practice. If I can walk around and dance in those platform boots, you can learn to walk in sexy shoes.  Don’t even think about using the staircase! Gaga hair is radical – think you can manage the hair rolled around the soda cans?  Well, then just get a wig – or a crazy big hat.  The eyes? Yes we’ll get there.  I don’t know about the eye patches, they are a lot easier than make-up, but you know the Idol audience is pretty conservative – Gokey came in third remember?  My little sister Allison fourth!

What Not to Wear

Who wore the lacy white bridesmaid dress with the white patent leather boots? Why in the name of the universe, did you do that? “Dirty bridesmaid”, is that fantasy you were working? Sorry, didn’t happen.  I think I’ll bring Xena and Juneau in to write up some fantasy scenarios for you guys. They’ll go with your song choices.  What they can do with a couple of feathers, a handful of sequins and killer choreography – standing  up?  Yes they can write standing up, I’m sure of it.  You mean you standing up?  We’ll just tell them – no lying down on the stage here, no matter how much your feet hurt.  Sorry, you can’t sit on a stool dressed like that, besides you’ll be strutting – it’s Elvis remember.  Did Elvis sit? I don’t think so, his suits were too tight for one thing and he knew how to circle a crotch, flip a hip, shake a leg.

So, on Tuesday I’ll be backstage helping all the guys put on eyeliner, mascara.  I don’t recommend blue shadow at this point in the competition – save it for later – as a surprise. Or, maybe never.  No Michael, non, niente, nada, you don’t have to do anything I say – but you are rockin’ the jackets man.  Tim, maybe we’ll use some smoke and mirrors to help you out.

How to Properly Employ the Bromance

Any bromances in the air?? Come on – you can tell me, I’m an open book – ask me anything.  I’m only asking for your own good. Bromae actually are hot right now – my fans are the worst matchmakers and try to hook me up with straight dudes.  Now I don’t have the time or the energy to engage in some permanent, uh, semi-permanent, oh part-time – oh hell not even a hook-up situation.  I’m not complaining, but I’ve been reduced to kissing girls – Ke$ha anyway and frankly it’s a waste of time.

Now where was I?  Bromae – if you aren’t in one, pretend you are.  Just look at another dude for a few seconds and the audience will fill in the blanks for you.  The votes will roll in – look what happened to Kris!  All I did was say that he’s cute and whoosh! They’re creating Kradam fiction, Kradam art, Kradam tee shirts and he won!  No, flirting with me won’t help you with the audience, but we could go for a drink after.  Have you tried a Glambertini?  You’ll kiss anybody after a couple of those.

On Stage

Enough – you guys, let’s focus on what you need to know, and it’s a lot before Tuesday night.  Okay, we’ve got you dressed and made-up – what happens when you step into the spotlight?  DO NOT look at Simon, he’s a Gorgon who will turn you to stone and not a lovely warm Parian marble, some pitted, ugly, bumpy rock.

Glance at Randy, but do look at Ellen and Kara – boys focus on Kara – sing to her, with your eyes.  Come on guys!  She’s not old enough to be your mother, don’t say that, it’s not helpful.  So after taking in the three judges, find the camera.  I’m going to show you how you can nail all the people watching on TV.  A couple of training videos called Satisfaction and Ring of Fire.

Girls, if Simon said something nice about you last week – go for a little eye contact with Simon, but you have to watch his expression. If his mouth is a skinny straight line, turn around, find the camera and sing to it with all you’ve got.

Satisfaction close-upDevil Eyes

And this is tied to song selection. You can’t make sexy eyes at the camera and sing “Cattle Call/Yodel” and I don’t care how many country fans there are, if you choose a song like that – you are on your own.  You know what they said after Ring of Fire, but I fixed Simon, millions of women fell in love with me when we made eye contact through the camera.  I don’t exactly know how it all worked, but I’m glad it did!  Juneau and Xena have done their best to explain it, but there are times when I wonder just how far I can take an audience.  Sometimes I am so far out there yet the audience is still with me – they’re so passionate and a bit crazy, but good crazy.

Accoutrements

Look, there is only one Glambulge and it can’t be duplicated, you won’t fool anyone.  You will have to make up for it with great choreography, super lighting and have a whole orchestra around you, maybe a string section and horns too.  It’s Elvis – how about a Gospel choir for back-up? With everyone on stage and a whole choir singing, everyone will think you’re great.  They won’t actually hear your voice, but you can go through the motions and with a stage so full, you can’t really move very far.  This way none of you will be tempted to do a “Timmy” – I didn’t even do a Timmy.  Not recommended.

Choreography – think Salomé, not Bieber

People, please – I’ve seen the Glamberts in my audiences move better than you guys!  They dance like they mean it, with passion and a controlled abandon – they’re so tightly jammed together, they can’t even abandon very far.  Although most are women, they’re damn sexy.  They dress better than you guys too – they know how to wear the glitter and gloves, the accoutrements and hair products.

I’ve contacted my belly dancer friend to show you the belly roll, the hip swirls, the Ring of Fire arms.

To help you out, we’re going to watch all my idol performances.  What’s that Crystal?  No can’t show you any concert videos – way too hot for ABC, the FCC, the FDA, the FBI and Mr. Warwick.  He’s freaked out that I may do an AMA number here.  See that guy over there?  The one talking in his sleeve, with an earpiece – no it doesn’t have rhinestones like mine, anyway he’s Warwick’s guy while I’m around, I swear he’s got a video camera in his belt buckle, but he’s so short – you know what images he’s sending back.  Hope he’s enjoying the picture, cause nothin’s gonna happen.  Ha!

Back to music.

The Gory Notes

Finally – the “glory notes”.  Sorry, but I’ve heard too many “gory notes”.  If you have the remotest possibility of hitting one, go practise. In the shower, in your car, in a field, riding a roller coaster, in  the mountains, across the Grand Canyon and catch the echo.

If the dogs bark, flocks of birds fall out of the sky and the echo of your voice splits rocks, if it starts an avalanche, then leave the note padlocked in your suitcase until it can be safely removed by a hazmat team.

Okay babies, boys and girls, let’s forget about everything but the audience and the camera.  My last secret – back lighting and dry ice can camouflage a ton of missteps, miscues, mistakes and bad moves.

Now, go out there and break a leg! No Andrew, it’s just an expression in show business, I’m not cursing you.

Now I have to go drink a lot of Tequila to lose this migraine.  Hey dude – you with the camera – can I buy you a drink?  We’ve got some talking to do.

Guys! One more thing – don’t forget to clean up after the show, but leave a little eyeliner smudged.

Here, I had these printed on banners for your dressing rooms.

More is More It’s All Good Sexy is Sexy 

7 Comments leave one →
  1. kellym11 permalink
    April 13, 2010 9:37 am

    I was totally entertained by your “suggestions”. I am in the midst of reading the book. I try to read it slowly since I don’t want to finish it.
    You are a delight. I love to receive your e-mails.
    I am a 72 year old woman who went to NYU in the days. I hung out at the coffee houses, met people that reminded me of Adam and am quite aware of the scene, in 1959, that is.
    Keep up your good work. I love it!!!

  2. Shannon permalink
    April 13, 2010 10:52 am

    Hilarious! I’m really hoping Adam has done something to whip these puppies into shape. I tweeted him to please do something to help restore Siobhan’s nerve, since I think she’s lost it.

  3. prgemgirl permalink
    April 13, 2010 12:53 pm

    OH Xena girl, you’re so mean!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was rolling on the floor laughing!!!!!!!!!! Best blog ever…..

  4. annehedonia permalink
    April 13, 2010 3:49 pm

    Himself being a member of the extra-fancy gossamer-winged family, you’d think that maybe he could elucidate the remaining candidates with some secrets for success. But not sure that kind of innate wisdom is transferrable. Sure, he may get one or two to pupate, if he’s lucky. Or perhaps end up with a cabbage moth.

    Thanks, Xena, that was fun!

  5. April 14, 2010 2:53 pm

    Juneau here – and no, I’m not the same person as Xena! While I was greatly entertained by Xena’s scenario, I must take issue with a number of disparaging remarks cast in the direction of one of my favorite contestants, Siobhan Magnus. (Xena knows how to poke me with her stiletto!) I don’t think Siobhan screams – no more than Adam did last season. She is the only contestant with the pipes to hit those glory notes. I think she faces the same challenges Adam did in knowing how to deploy them strategically. This is after all a singing competition, and you’re under pressure to pull out all the stops – but sometimes that can feel over-the-top especially within the 90-second confines of the show. As for Xena’s dirty bride comment – I thought Siobhan’s outfit worked for her, with that lacy cascade showering down from the barstool. The quirky fashion mash-up of frills and denim reminded me a bit of Bjork or Cindy Lauper, and her stillness worked with the song.

    As for Casey’s hair, yes, I did say he looked like the Breck girl last week with his backlit nimbus of golden curls, but no way should he dye it or cut it!! I don’t even like it in a pony tail.

    So how did the Idols do last night? Strongest performance was by Crystal, who did let down her dreadlocks figuratively at least, although could not hear her electric guitar at all – was it plugged in even? Lee sounded good and got a few more neurons to fire upstairs, but I wonder if he has Aspergers with his reluctance to look the camera in the eye. He’s likable, though, in his way.

    I thought the judges were way off in their criticisms of Siobhan, and with all the contradictory things they are telling her, she is just going to have to tune them out and follow her musical instincts. Hope Adam gives her his iPhone number and counsels her on figuring out who she is as an artist so that she can make her unique stamp on the many versatile styles that she is technically capable of slaying. Unfortunately, she’s only 19 and has only a few weeks to figure this out, whereas Adam had many years. She’s a kindred spirit who doesn’t want to be boxed in, and I’m rooting for her. I don’t care how many times Xena jabs at me for it!!

    J

  6. Susie permalink
    April 17, 2010 12:49 am

    This is so hilarious!! So clever!!! I would love Adam to read this!

    • April 17, 2010 12:53 am

      thanks! Unfortunately I had to watch some AI shows to do it, but I had a lot of fun, even if Juneau doesn’t agree with everything! Did you vote in our poll? Please do!
      Cheers
      Xena

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